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( Cut to save the f-lists from oodles of photos )
They're so tiny! I'm amazed the mom is letting me touch them already, but she only got upset if they squeaked while I was holding them.
- Mood:
giddy
2. Tag eight people. don't refuse to do that. don't tag who tagged you
Hmmm...I think I shall tag Danae, Daniel, Remy, Amanda, and Zach. I'd name more, but I don't have enough LJ friends to make up the list.
( Read more... )
I can lay it all out
I am more and I am less
but I can lay it all out
And I watch myself
Going nowhere
Going back
Black hole.
Swirling vortex
of promises and emotions.
It's calling me.
Inside it is a trick.
Layers of euphoria
of pride
of accomplishment
and then
Nothing but pain,
Pain and darkness.
It's calling me.
Such a sweet voice
Making more promises
It won't be like before
No pain this time.
I almost believe.
Echo of my Mind
I don't know what I want
What I want
Want
I can't tell what I need
What I need
Need
I am so lost
So lost
Lost
I don't know where I've gone
Where I've gone
I've gone
Gone
I should have at least two more chapters by the end of the evening, depending on how long it takes me to wash dishes. *glances at forbidding mountain of dirty dishes* Maybe just one.
Edit: Harumph. Chapter 5 is giving me issues. The dialogue I'm getting from Lee doesn't match up with his personality. I'm having to edit as I go along, much more so than usual. Lee, come out and talk for yourself! Stop letting me talk for you!
The cliffhanger on this one is no better, so *nyah*.
Same warnings apply as before, except there's light bondage in this one.
My writing muse is back! Chapter One happened instead of taking physics notes, everything else grew as I was transcribing it out of my notebook. It's a combination of things I've been obsessing about lately - Appalachian Trail thru-hiking and pretty gay boys. :)
Fair warning now: This story contains scenes of a sexual nature, homosexual interactions, trans body references, and strong D/s themes. If anything on that list will bother you, don't read it! (I don't think anyone on my flist will care, but just in case...)
Did I hear anything? Not that I remember, but I’ve never been much of an auditory person. It’s all about light, shadow, color, shape for me. I was caught up watching the light become more and more blue; I wasn’t really listening for any sounds.
---
For a minute, I couldn’t hear anything at all. It was so quiet. I hated it being so quiet. I wanted some kind of noise or color or something. This was just so white and so silent, I couldn’t handle it. But just as it felt like I couldn’t stand one more moment of quiet, someone started talking to me. I’d never heard this voice before. Can voices have textures? If they can, this one would be like a baby blanket. Soft and warm, but very very old. Ancient. I’d never heard anything so old.
It didn’t seem like she was saying anything at all with meaning. Just nonsense, soothing sounds to calm me down. I had gotten really upset.
I don’t know how I know it was a she. I just do.
---
I ran down the street a ways. Everybody I could see was frozen, the same way all my friends were. I was just running and running, yelling for anybody to come out and help. I could see people standing on the sidewalk, staring straight ahead. It was so weird. That was when I stole the car.
Because I was scared! I know it was stupid, but I just wanted to get out of there. The car was just sitting there running at the side of the road, with one of the staring people sitting in the driver’s seat. I figured nobody was going to notice, and even if they did, this was an emergency.
Well, what do you call it when everybody you can see is frozen and staring off into space? I call it a damn emergency!
---
I kept listening to the voice that I could hear. There wasn’t anything else to listen to. I kept listening to these words I couldn’t understand. Just listening. Eventually I started thinking that I couldn’t understand, and how I wished I could, and it was almost like the voice could hear me thinking. The syllables shifted, again and again. I kept thinking “I still don’t understand, I still don’t understand” while the voice kept changing. Until, all of a sudden, I could understand. It was like someone flipped a switch in my head – now it was in the ‘on’ position, and I could talk and understand.
It wasn’t saying anything important. Just kept repeating “Don’t worry, stay calm, everything’s alright.” After a few repetitions of this, I finally got fed up and went “Look, I’m calm, now what’s going on?”
No, I didn’t say it. I just thought it.
Yeah, I was talking to voices in my head. What else do you do when your entire brain gets taken over by bright lights and strange people talking?
---
The blue just kept filling up and filling up. It was like my head was filling with the bluest, most azure water I’d ever seen, and it was flowing over white, white sand. Like I said, it was beautiful. One of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. I was pretty much content to just watch the colors.
I’m a color person, okay? I live for color. And this was color like I’d never seen before, like I’d never even imagined. I didn’t want it to ever go away. I wanted to swim forever in the azure waters of my mind, over that white, white sand. It was like some amazing, wonderful dream.
I wasn’t thinking about any of that, not at the time. I was too busy watching the color. I never imagined there could be so many shades of blue. I ran out of words to describe them. The whole spectrum of blue names that I could think of – cobalt, navy, peacock, teal, sky blue, azure – none of it did this blue justice. I felt like I could drown in it and live forever.
I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s not supposed to make sense. It’s a color. Color doesn’t have meaning – it just is. I think that’s smarter than human beings, really, always trying to define our existence based on the outside world. Blue is still blue, no matter what the rest of the universe does. If every light in the world went out, blue would still be blue when they came back on. Color holds the meaning of life for me. I need it to exist, and this blue was offering deeper color, deeper meaning, than I ever thought possible.
---
Stuff like that is personal, you know? My mom always sang me to sleep when I was little, to calm me down. Nobody else can do that, except her. So I didn’t really like that this strange lady in my head was trying to do something only my mom could do. I didn’t want her trying to take my mom’s place. That’s special. Even though she hasn’t done it for a while.
---
After a while, it felt like I could hear someone whispering in my head. Quietly, and I couldn’t quite understand what they were saying. I wanted to know, though, so I kept listening harder. The voice got louder and louder, but I couldn’t understand the words. It felt like the meaning was just outside my grasp – like a language I heard as a baby but haven’t spoken since. Something like that. It felt like I should know what was being said.
For a minute, I couldn’t hear anything at all. It was so quiet. I hated it being so quiet. I wanted some kind of noise or color or something. This was just so white and so silent, I couldn’t handle it. But just as it felt like I couldn’t stand one more moment of quiet, someone started talking to me. I’d never heard this voice before. Can voices have textures? If they can, this one would be like a baby blanket. Soft and warm, but very very old. Ancient. I’d never heard anything so old.
I don’t know how I know it was a she. I just do.
For a long time, there was just the whiteness. I kept wishing the whiteness would give a little. It was hurting my mind and my senses, all the whiteness. It was like static on the brain. I wanted it gone. And then it seemed like there was just a little bit of color – a touch of blue. The white became more and more and more blue, a whole spectrum fading through my vision. It was beautiful.
Why blue? Because blue is calming, I guess. Blue helps you relax. And it’s not so far from white as to shock the senses. I think if everything had just gone black, I’d have gotten really upset. Black is not a calming color. Blue is cool and comfortable.
I was laying on the floor in front of the couch when it happened. I don't know whether it was good or bad that I was on the floor. I couldn't see the window very well, from that angle, so I missed most of it. From where I was it, it just seemed like a really big flash of lightening. THe walls and everything light up real bright. It even washed out the TV. I'd never seen anything like it before, not even in one of my shows. After the first flash, everything faded away real slow. It took me a couple seconds to realize that the TV and the lights weren't on any more. I turned around to ask Carol if that had ever happened before in her neighborhood.
Well, I don't know! Sometimes transformers blow out, or people's neighbors overload their houses with decorations. Shit happens! I just thought I'd check with her before I assumed it was something weird. But when I turned around, everybody was just staring blankly straight ahead. Like zombies or something. Or the black oil alien abductees from the X Files.
I started waving my hands around in front of them, to see if they'd react. They just sat there. I was starting to get a little scared - I love sci-fi and all, but this was a little too close to home.
---
All of a sudden, there was this big flash. I was looking out the window when it happened, so I think I took kinda the whole brunt of the thing. I don't really remember what happened after that. Everything went white - everything.
I tried to open my eyes, move my hands, do something, but I couldn't move. It was like I didn't have control of my own body. I hated it.
---
I saw this bright flash of light. It was so white it hurt. Nothing natural can be that white. This was beyond white. It was true absence of color. It made my mind hurt. I couldn't think of anything but how white the light was. There wasn't anything else in the universe right then except the whiteness. Thinking back, I feel like I should have been worried I'd gone blind, but at the time all I could think about was the whiteness. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see, I couldn't move. There was just WHITE. I was suffocating in the whiteness, and I couldn't get out. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before.
What could I do? I waited, and felt the whiteness. It burned.
---
I was just watching TV, when all the sudden there was this light. It was almost like a flash of lightening, but it didn't have any edges. You know how lightening is just a line? This just seemed to take over the whole sky at once, and blank out everything else. It was really scary - like having someone push their hands over your eyes so you can't see.
I wanted to scream, or run away, but I just couldn't. Not only couldn't I move, I wasn't really sure I was there, you know? I couldn't pay attention to my face or my hands, because there was this light, and I had to pay attention to that.
I don't know why. It's not like I wanted to, okay? I just couldn't do anything else - I had to watch the light. I'm not sure there was anything else to look at, really. I only remember how bright and big this light was. I don't remember seeing the others in the light - I think I'd remember what they looked like in such a bright light, if I could've seen them.
---
Look, don't judge me. I was scared. I tried to use the phone to call someone, but it wasn't working, nothing was working. So I ran. I've seen enough zombie films to know what happens to the humans when the zombies wake up. And it's not pretty.
I didn't know what they were. All I know was that there'd been this light, and now everybody but me was sitting frozen on the couch like I wasn't there. I'm not proud of running, okay? But I'm just a teenager, and I did the only thing I could think of to do. I got the hell out of there. I thought maybe someone else, one of the neighbors or something, would know what to do. Because I sure as shit didn't know.
I think I'm normal. Nobody else does, though. I'll forget that I have paint on my face or hands, if I've been painting before school, and people sometimes make comments. My teachers get mad because I sketch in class instead of taking notes. But really, when in my life am I going to need to understand the functions of the mitochondria? Honestly, I think my time is better spent sketching.
---
Sure, I was there. I'd only come over to show Carol the earrings that I'd found to match the teal wraparound skirt that I'd bought the last time we went to the mall. But then we just started talking, so I stayed. The boys were there too, Joe and Chris. Joe kept whining about how he was going to get dust on his shirt if nobody swapped with him to let him sit on the couch. The boy is such a crybaby - I don't know why Carol hangs out with him. I think their mothers are friends or something. It's worth it, though, because Chris was there, too.
Yeah, I think Chris is kind of cute. He's got that whole distracted-artist look going on, you know? And it's all totally him, not fake. He'll completely forget that he's covered in dried paint, and come to school like that. And he draws pictures of me when we have classes together. It's very sweet. I wish I could draw like that. I put all my energy into matching colors, but I can't draw. Even Chris says I'm good with colors, and he doesn't think fashion is any kind of art. Which is totally bogus, fashion is definitely art! I mean, have you ever seen the clothes the girls wear at runway shows? Clearly works of art.
You don't have to get all snappy with me, geez! You're the one that asked what I thought about Chris!
Ok, fine. Like I said, we were all sitting in Carol's living room, watching TV. Just a normal afternoon.
---
That's right, it was "Whose Line?" We watch comedy stuff - nobody will let me watch anything on the Sci-Fi Channel, no matter how good it is. So we always watch ABC and Comedy Central. It was the episode where one of the guys, could've been Ryan, is playing a party guest whose head sticks to everything. Yeah, it was Ryan, the tall dude. He breaks the lights on teh front of the desk where Drew Carey sits. Have you seen it?
Well, I guess it doesn't matter. You don't really want to know about the show. You're probably more interested in what happened later on. Like I said, we were at Carol's place.
We? Oh - me, Chris, Raquelle, and Carol, obviously, because it was her house. We didn't all fit on the couch, so I was sitting on the floor. I was a little annoyed about that; I was wearing a dark colored Trek shirt, and I didn't want to get any lint on it. We'd been watching TV for a long time, but nobody would switch with me.
No, her parents weren't home. They're never home until about nine or 10, they both work evening shifts. They're home in the morning when she leaves for school, though - it's not like they neglect her. Anyway, she's old enough to handle herself for a few hours.
---
We were at my place, watching some comedy show on the TV, just killing time after school. My parents weren't home yet - they're never home until late, so I always have people over to keep me company. Joe was there, being dorky as usual, and Chris, I think. Oh, and Raquelle was there too.
Yeah, I'm sure Raquelle was there while we watched TV. I remember because Raquelle was wearing that teal wraparound skirt she bought at the Limited when we'd gone to the mall the week before. She had managed to find these gorgeous earrings, made of turquiose, that were the exact same color of the skirt. The rocks in the earrings were shaped like stars. The whole effect was just amazing. They were on silver wires in a loopy design, and she'd copied that design onto her shirt in silver puffy paint.
Hey, I was just telling you why I remembered she was there! You're the one who asked me if I was sure she'd been there. I remember because I remember her outfit. It's what I do - outfits. Joe was wearing some geeky Star Trek shirt - I only know it's Star Trek cause I called it a Star Wars shirt, and he got all huffy. Chris had paint all over his baggy cargo pants. He always has paint on his clothes. At least that day he didn't have paint on his face - I think one of the teachers at school had made him wash it off.
---
We were watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" over at Carol's house. She's got the house that's painted on three sides and stucco on the front. It's an interesting combination of textures, if you really look at it, but the colors don't work so well together. It seems like foam green and tan should work, but not on a house. Especially not when the trim is a different shade of foam green. People just don't understand color matching these days.
Sorry, I tend to get off-topic when I'm talking about color. What did you want to know?
Joe was there, and Carol, and Raquelle. Raquelle had made some attempt at painting her shirt to match some green earrings she'd found. The wires went in coicentric circles a couple times, and it was a good idea, but it looked like she'd tried to paint the circles free hand. And she'd used the wrong kind of fabric paint. I could tell it was all going to fall off the first time she washed it. The girl tries, and she's got a good eye for color, but really, she'd be better off with a canvas and a brush.
- Mood:
excited
I was working on character lists in class today and it occurred to me why my character-driven work gets so crazy. I let my characters talk to me and tell me the next step in the plotline, to the point where I've given up writing plot ahead of time. But then it becomes like an episode of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", where nobody knows what to say next, and the craziest things happen. Fun though.
I should write an episode of Whose Line into my NaNo Novel. It would give me a nice place to go when my regular characters are stuck, and I can put it in anywhere.
